It still seems surreal that I am working at my own leisure, behind a computer, doing what I always envisioned for myself. Just a couple months ago I was waking up every morning at the same time, going to work, coming home (doing some more work) going to bed, and repeating it all over again Monday through Friday. I was even doing work on the weekends- getting the Sunday scaries…BAD. So bad, I was already thinking about the scaries on Friday while having my first glass of wine. NOT COOL. But, we’ll get back to that.
I always wondered who it was, and secretly hated, the person who came up with this mundane, masochistic idea of life and decided it to be the norm. WHY is it the norm to go to college, immediately TRY to get a job, be so super eager to get a job that you compromise yourself and take anything that is offered to you (even if it means making peanuts) and start working your butt off five days a week? Well, I don’t know that answer, but I do know that if you are like me – while at work, you were the type to daydream (starting on Monday at about 12 noon) about those two precious weekend days where you can relax with your big fluffy socks, a glass of wine and a cat (or dog) on your lap. Or using your companies wifi to plan your next travel destination (whoops!).
Like most of you reading this, I have had a very long and winding journey. I was never the girl who always knew from the age of five that I wanted to be a dentist or an engineer. I was never the girl who daydreamed about these things. No, I was the type who daydreamed about everything that excited me. My soul always wanted to explore, take chances, be risky, try everything once, not look back, be the bold-bad ass bitch that I tended to admire. YET, I came from a pretty strict family. I always wanted to make my parents proud and I knew that that meant having a focus. Having some kind of direction. I knew that if I wanted to make my parents happy, I should go to college, get internships, work hard, get good grades, figure out what I want to do with my entire future, and do it (all in those four fast years- while still trying to maintain some type of social life and not get arrested at a frat party).
Yet, just the idea of it all scared me to my core. Not because I thought I couldn’t do it but because I didn’t want to. The structure of it all. Maybe I was scared to grow up so fast, to take on all the responsibilities of an adult. Maybe I wanted to remain ignorant a little bit longer and not be tarnished by the reality of a career and the real world. Whatever it really was, it has kept me from settling in. What does that mean exactly? Pretty much that I have tried every job under the sun. Changed my “path” or my “major” multiple times, and was always wondering, what next.
So, I decided that because I did not have a clear direction, I would go to a community college first- less pressure. Figure things out, save my parents some money. I got my associates in humanities. What does that even mean? Who knows. I’m not sure anyone with a degree in humanities really knows – which is the point. The one thing I did discover at CC was that I loved to write and I was good at it. Which is what led me to move on to Rutgers University where I got my Bachelors degree in Communications and English. Again- what does a degree in communications mean? Well, to me- it meant that I had the liberty still to basically not know what the heck I wanted to do with my life and since I now had a degree in “communications” it would not only be okay, but it would be much more “acceptable”. At least now, I could look like I knew what I wanted to do, and try to find a job in the broad field of communications. I must say, it all sounds pretty comical to me now… in hindsight. Just the whole idea that in order to have a good life, people are under this bizarre notion that you have to follow this insane path because it is what is accepted by society – YET, it really just messes people up and puts them into huge financial ruin for- well, basically their entire lives. ANYWAY…
I hopped around from job to job…obtaining awesome internships in New YorkCity, working at badass companies like Sony Music Entertainment, for CEO’S of this field and that field…and yet, I still was like, OK, what next? Let’s move on. I never felt settled. New York gave me anxiety. I just wanted to feel passionate about something. So, once again – after giving this world a shot and schlepping myself in and out of the city, getting ridiculous advances from ridiculous people who had all the money in the world to throw around and thought that meant they could get away with it- I soon realized that all the time I spent the last four years getting my degrees, I was back to square one. Still, I had nothing figured out besides knowing I was unhappy with the restrictions of the corporate workplace. My world could not be confined to the walls of an office or cubicle. I hated that I had to wait until 5 to do something I enjoyed (like take a yoga class!). I wanted to stop wondering what next.
Mostly, I wanted to be doing something and know why I was doing it. I wanted to wake up every morning and know WHY I was about to put tons of time and work into my job duties. WHY am I doing what I am doing?
Fast forward past a hundred other jobs and opportunities I had that I tried for some time and then let go. I decided to go back to school, yet again– to get my graduate degree in education. YEP- I totally lost my mind- I let all the stares of disappointment from my mother and father finally get to me and made me turn in a direction I never imagined. So, I poured more money into getting another degree. Another little paper certificate I could throw on my desk. An accomplishment I could look at for a second and be proud of. This was yet another attempt at finding my niche. I was hoping to find the something that was “missing”. My parents were happy that I had finally seemed to choose a direction. They were happy because I seemed happy. They thought being a teacher was a great, stable job. I had a lot of friends that were new teachers. So, this was it. BUT-I still didn’t know my why. If I’m being honest, I never particularly even liked children…so…there’s that.
I remember accomplishing each step and overcoming every obstacle. I remember feelings of strength and definitely some glimpses of happiness. I graduated and I was now a teacher. I immediately got a job and excitedly set up my very own classroom. I spent loads of my one money on all my supplies and making the room a space my students would love to come to. (Yes, it is true, teachers have to buy all their own shit and it is absolutely terrible, SO help all those hard working teachers out and donate!) I had my own space, my own little students. It was great. I thought. This feeling lasted for about one month, and that is being generous.
Now don’t get me wrong, I was surrounded by some pretty amazing colleagues whom without, I could have never survived. I started out at an amazing school and the teachers I worked with were incredible people. This has nothing to do with that, and everything to do with my own battle. I tried to fight the feelings of anxiety and restlessness. I hated myself for feeling that this was still not where I was meant to be. I felt so disappointed in myself because I thought I would never be happy. After giving teaching a good year and a half, moving around to different grades, in hopes that the change would spark a light in me, I finally came to terms with the fact that this too, was not me. I won’t lie, this realization, broke me. I felt totally defeated and it was not because I failed, it was because I felt like I let my family down and myself down, yet again. And deep down, I knew that no matter what job I took, no matter how many degrees I had or accomplishments I could throw on a resume, I needed to make a career working for myself, doing what I love and knowing WHY I was doing what I was doing every day.
I asked myself, “What do you love?” This may seem simple, but it is actually a very hard question to answer. So I made it more specific and I said, what is something that makes you feel like YOU? What do you do that brings you peace while at the same time, makes you feel proud of yourself?
My answers; art, design, creating, writing. And while I sat at my desk at work on my lunch break- and asked myself this, I also was browsing through my phone and came across this banner on Facebook, “Work Online, Travel the World, and Live Creatively- Join the Tribe”. WELP, this was my calling, and I answered it. (Yes, I, in fact, answered it right there, at my desk, while on my obnoxiously short lunch break). Without much thought, I enrolled in the first step of the rest of my life. (Oh and FYI, I usually look into these types of things much more because I hate getting a shit ton of emails and then having to pay all this money for whatever “free training” was first advertised and hooked me in and then not even really doing it because it sucks- haha okay, run-on sentence over. But this was totally different so thank goodness for my impulsiveness). From that day forward I was a Bucketlist Bombshell.
I FOUND MY WHY
The Bucketlist Bombshell girls spoke to my inner spirit animal. (Which is a cat BTW, in case you were wondering- and hence my business name, Blue CAT media & Design). I immediately dove in and loved every second of it. I felt empowered, intellectual, supported, on fire, and INSPIRED. YESSS, I was finally I-N-S-P-I-R-E-D. I knew that I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing because I HAD REASONS. I had all the passion and creativity I needed to start my own branding and web design business, and now I had the knowledge and support that I never knew existed. I could put all of my talents into building my very own business. This would be my own. My thing. I FOUND MY WHY.
I would be creating beautiful, unique, and inspiring brands for other entrepreneurs, solopreneurs, badass and soulful new business owners looking to make their own impact on the world. Helping others who like myself have worked so hard and have taken the leap to start their own thing, and to make their dreams a reality with an unforgettable online presence, is my why. This is what I was meant to do. And I am doing it. Everyday, one beautiful brand at a time.
This is a gradual process. It takes patience and it is a constant battle with yourself to overcome resistance. But, every day I push past my self-doubt and bring myself back to my why. And I hope that reading my blog you will feel that you can do whatever makes you feel like YOU too.
I hope that whatever reason brought you here to my page becomes the reason you start to make your change. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here with me on my journey. I am grateful to now be in a space where I am inspired by the work that I do and inspired by the people who trust me with their pursuits.
WHAT TO EXPECT FROM MY FUTURE BLOG POSTS
My blog will continue to be about topics relating to my journey in my business, sharing tips that have helped me and the resources that have grown my business and that also empower me. I will always share things that are both personal and relatable while making sure they are relevant to helping others achieve great things within their business entrepreneurship. Remember that you are worthy of happiness and YOU alone, can make your dreams a reality. Focus on what makes your happy and everything else, acceptance from your family/friends, money, supporting yourself, whatever- will all fall into place.
Find YOUR Why and let everything else be what shapes your unique story.
Know that even with all the competition out there, “No one is YOU and that is YOUR POWER”- Dave Grohl (for all my Nirvana/ Foo Fighter fans out there).
I look forward to vibing with you, learning from you and becoming an inspiring community together. Thank you again for your support and love.
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